Unless your life depends on it, checking emails continuously is not good for you, your family and even your business. Life was stressful even before we had smart phones and now checking emails is easier and accessible than ever.
Researchers from University of California Irvine and the US Army found that being cut off from work email significantly reduces stress and allows employees to focus better.
Those with no email reported feeling better able to do their jobs and stay on task, with fewer stressful and time-wasting interruptions, the researchers found.
As women, we juggle between many different roles. It is challenging for us to be engaged in anything we do. We want to be fully present for our kids when we spend time with them – but we end up checking emails. We want to be more productive at work, but we keep checking emails constantly.
Taking a break from checking emails will actually boost your productivity.
One of my clients enjoys reading a book every evening and I was curious to know how she can find the time to do it. She told me she doesn’t open her laptop when she gets home from work. She checks her emails in the morning and before leaving work. The rest of the evening is living life and taking care of herself.
Her routine might be too extreme for you, but how about creating some email-free time every day?
For example, when I’m at the gym, I use my iPod, not my iPhone, so I can enjoy listening to music without having to fight the impulse to check emails. When I cook, I leave my phone in the other room so I focus only on cooking. I would like to get better with creating some email-free time every evening, to allow me to calmly transition into a good night sleep.
What about you?
Try to fit “email – break” time into your life and it will help you reduce your stress and be more productive.
You wake up and your first thought is: “I have so much to do.”
Maybe you made a to-do list last night, and are now stressing about how long it is. Maybe you didn’t make one, so you don’t even know everything you have to do, which is even worse. Maybe you have some important meetings or plans for the day, or something that requires your creativity. Either way, you need to be your best (that might be next thought).
All this within seconds of waking up. You’re already overwhelmed, rushed, and stressed by your thinking.
That’s the bad news. The good news is that the whole day is still ahead of you! Even if you wake up like this, you can still turn it around. I had to do it this morning.
I was an assistant teacher for iPEC coaching training this weekend, and I got home very energized last night. Still, I had so much catching up to do after the weekend; emails, calls, scheduled coaching sessions, laundry, cooking, writing a blog (I had missed my own deadline!). I made a list of all of these last night.
I woke up at 6:30 this morning. My impulse was to get straight to work, to start with my blog and then do the rest. The little voice in my head said: “You can’t afford to waste any time.” I felt overwhelmed, decided to skip my morning meditation, and went straight to my computer to write my blog.
I sat down and opened a blank page, and then… nothing. Blank. Want to write but can’t. Not even one sentence.
What’s going on? It’s 6:40 AM and I’m already stressed? Where has my creativity gone?
Oh yeah, I teach this stuff. I knew what I had to do. I stopped. I observed. I evaluated.
I went back and did my morning routine. I meditated and gave Reiki to myself for 20 minutes – like I do every morning.
Then, I took a walk outside for 30 minutes.
During my walk, I had a burst of creativity. I couldn’t wait to get back home and write.
I had my breakfast, showered and went straight to my computer. It was now 8:00 am. I was so centered, focused and energized that it only took me 30 minutes to write this blog.
If I wrote from the “can’t afford to waste time” state of mind it probably would’ve taken me 2 hours, wouldn’t have been as good, and I’d be left feeling frustrated and drained.
Getting centered, walking and eating mindfully connected me to my best self and made my creativity come alive.
So if you wake up and feel like you’re already behind on your work, don’t despair! You can fix it!
There are 3 things you can do to be best when you feel overwhelmed:
- Identify the thought in your head that makes you stressed and change it.
- Make time to get centered: meditation, inspirational reading, journaling, etc.
- Get moving: walk around the block or with your dog, exercise, dance, stretch.
Shake things up – and you’re ready for the rest of your day!
Celebrating its 20th anniversary this year, this classic is Rabbi Kushner’s perspective on how people can better deal with tragedies and crisis, but you certainly don’t have to go through a crisis in order to enjoy it and benefit from it. In any painful situation, even though you don’t have control over the pain, you do have control over your reaction, over your decision if to suffer or not. This book will help you make choices when things simply happen.
“All we an do is try to rise beyond the question ‘why did it happen?’ and begin to ask the question ‘what do I do now that it has happened?” (p. 71)
In other words, things happen. They just happen. Instead of asking yourself “why me?” focus on what can you do moving forward. What can you do from this point on?
You lost your job? And what if it’s actually an opportunity for you and it happens for the best?
As Steve Jobs said: “You cannot connect the dots looking forward but you can connect the dots looking backwards.”
Kushner discusses different causes of human suffering. His belief is that God isn’t responsible for creating suffering, nor preventing it.
My experience confirms this philosophy. Imagine 2 people in the same tough situation. One might choose to suffer and one might choose to grow. They might not even know they’re choosing. Whatever happened might throw you out of balance, but it’s your reaction that will either keep you there or help you come back. That’s where we have the freedom of choice. Some things are just circumstantial, and there is no point in looking for a reason for them, but it’s in our hands to do something, to grow, to heal, and to make the most out of any situation.
I had a friend who lost everything in a house fire. And when I say everything, I mean everything. The amount of support she got from the community was amazing. She and her family have since moved to a new house and started all over again. It was a terrible tragedy, but they were able move forward and to create a life that feels more authentic than the life they had before.
“The God I believe in doesn’t send us the problem; He gives us the strength to cope with the problem.” (p. 127)
This book offers comfort, support and insight to people who have been hurt or see people around them hurting and ask themselves why.
One of the hardest life lessons is to love unconditionally, without trying to change or fix the other person. Women especially spend a big chunk of theirtime taking care of others. When it comes to family members, we’ll do whatever it takes to make them happier, even if that means neglecting our own needs.
“I’m very reactive to my family needs” says my client Ruth. “I have to make sure everybody else is taken care of before I take care of me” says Susan, another client.
When I ask my clients about their most important values, family often comes up.
Family is important but we can’t be overprotective or too controlling.
It’s normal for a mother to want to take away the pain from her children and protect them from the world, even after they’ve grown up. My daughter lives far away from home, and whenever she calls me sounding a little tired, sad or frustrated, my instinctual response is to find what’s wrong and try to fix it myself, from far away. When my son was in college, I also wanted to be there to take care of him whenever he sounded too busy to take care of himself. But here is the thing: even if I could fix my children’s problems, would I ultimately be helping them grow or enabling them?
Helping them would make me feel better, but I recognize that a lot of the time I’m depriving them of an opportunity to find their own way. I want them to take their own path. It’s their journey to happiness, not mine.
I love them enough to let them find their way.
Whether it’s your children, your parents, your partner or your siblings, shift your focus to supporting them on their own path rather than trying to control them or convince them to do what you think is the right thing. Sometimes people just need your support, not your advice.
The Bottom Line: Shift your focus to supporting your loved ones on their journey, rather than making it fit with yours.
Ask: How can I help them without enabling them?
Affirm: I let others find their way and I am free.
“I have so much on my plate.”
I hear this all the time from the women I work with. It doesn’t matter if they’re full-time moms, full-time workers, or business owners – it’s always the same. They feel like they can’t add even one more thing to their busy life, they are over-stressed and don’t know how to deal with it.
They try to re-organize their schedule so they can fit one more thing, so they can load their plate with one more item.
They might have a small victory. Maybe for few days they feel better. But then it returns: the same overwhelming feeling that creates stress and tension.
If you are one of these women, let me give you the key to solving this problem. Instead of making space to add more, take things off your plate.
For each task on your to-do list, ask yourself:
- Why do I want to do it? (Do I even want to do it?)
- Do I have to do it myself?
- Do I have to do it now?
At home, you might spend a big chunk of your time doing things for your family members. It might be that you are enabling them by doing things they can do themselves. If you have teenagers at home, can they do their own laundry (including folding)? Just think how well prepared they’ll be for college! If you’re picking out outfits for your young kids (or husband!), how about trusting them to do it themselves? You want to support your sick parent, but how about hiring someone to help you?
At work, are there other people who might take some of your projects? Even if you know that you’ll do a better job than them, is it the stress? How about trusting that they’ll do the work the best they can, and accepting it even if it’s not perfect? What are some tasks on your list that you can decide not to do right now, knowing that the world will still be the same?
You are burnt out. You’re stressed. You’re setting yourself up for a high maintenance life and a huge amount of responsibilities and obligations.
How about saying “no” sometimes?
“Mom, can you take me shopping?” I wish I could but I have plans.
“Can you host this event?” I would, if I had more time. Let’s give somebody else an opportunity this time.
“Would you join us for this upcoming meeting?” I am focusing on doing one thing at a time so let me get back to you when I’m done with this project.
Years ago, I would volunteer to any event that my kids had in their school. I would be the first one to raise my hand and say: “I’ll bring the cake” or “I’ll host the party”. The result? I felt burnt out, frustrated and overburdened. As they grew up, I grew up too. I learned that it doesn’t always have to be me. It’s OK to let other people help too!
From time to time, I still have this feeling of having too much on my plate. I have to remind myself that I can take things off it.
After all, it’s my choice. And yours too.
Ever feel anxious? Overwhelmed by emotion? Here’s a way to deal with it.
One of my clients, let’s call her Jane, is getting a divorce. It was her choice. Today she was upset and anxious. She’s been restless and unhappy for a few weeks, crying for no apparent reason. We took a closer look at what’s going on, and recognized that she’s doing fine in many aspects of her life: she’s successful professionally, she’s doing yoga which she loves, she’s meeting with friends and travelling. Within a few minutes, she was able to see the anxiety in the right proportion – as just one small aspect of her life, and a natural part of what she’s going through.
After all, who wouldn’t be anxious when taking such a brave step and walking away from an unhappy relationship? She’s giving up the familiar for something new.
I suggested that she keep the balance by giving less power to her anxious and more power to feeling excited, hopeful and free. We can choose how to distribute our power by recognizing where it’s going and taking a look at the bigger picture of our life. Jane’s power was going to the anxiety surrounding her divorce by default. Once she opened her eyes wider and saw that it was just one part of her life, the anxiety lost its power.
She committed to ask herself every morning: “what am I choosing to give power to – fear or freedom”?
The Bottom Line: Emotions might feel huge & overwhelming. By taking control over our emotions we bring them, back to their actual “size”.
Ask: What am I choosing to give my power to?
Affirm: I choose freedom over fear.
A few days ago, I was on the escalator at the airport to get to my gate. A woman in front of me was standing next to her suitcase, blocking the way for anyone in a hurry. During the short escalator ride, 3 people, hurrying to catch their flights, had to ask her to clear the way so they could get back. Each time, she obliged and then moved her suitcase back to block the way. I could see her getting frustrated with each person that asked her to move. She was probably blaming the 3 people who made her move to the side, instead of just moving to the side to leave the way open in the first place. Instead, she insisted on standing in the middle, and created catabolic, negative energy.
It made me think:
Why do we prefer to blame others or to blame the situation, and instead of seeing our part in it and how we change the situation?
How many times do we get a clear message that the solution is simple, we know how to solve a problem, but we don’t take the action?
Is it because we want to do it our way?
Are we too stubborn? Our ego that preventing us from admitting our faults?
In the 12-step programs they say, “our troubles are our own making”.
Real healing, real personal growth happens when we are willing to admit out faults.
In every situation, there are some things we can control and some we can’t. We can never control other people but we can always control or at least influence our thinking, feelings and actions.
It’s always easier to blame somebody else than to take responsibility. But when you’re blaming someone else, pointing your finger at them, your 4 other fingers are still bent and pointing towards yourself.
If we accept responsibility, we can consciously change our thinking. Taking responsibility helps us be less resentful. Resentment creates conflict, tension, catabolic energy. Resentments releases un-healthy catabolic hormones in our bodies.
Remember the woman at the escalator?
She could have actually create anabolic, positive energy in the same situation by changing her thinking. If instead of thinking “I’ve had a bad day and I deserve to stand wherever I want” or “who are you to tell me to move?” she could have looked at it as, “glad to help” or “hope he catches his flight” she could’ve replaced the resentment with gratitude and peace.
We are in charge of where we stand.
We have the power to control our thinking, feelings and actions, as long as we are willing to see our part, change our thinking and behavior and not try to change somebody else’s.
I get bored doing the same stuff every day. How do you feel about your daily routines?
If you feel fine or even grateful, good. No need to change anything. But if you find yourself thinking “oh, I have to do this again?”, it might be time for some change.
One of my clients, a single mother, got into a habit of crawling in bed with her 2 boys every night (for their bedtime, not hers) and falling asleep with them. The result: no time for herself. Her days were work, kids, dinner, bed. Putting her kids to bed became ad obligation, and she kept doing it even when she didn’t enjoy it. During her coaching session we brainstormed some ideas and she created her ideal evening routine. She surprised her kids with the change (kids love excitement!): reading them a story every night, letting them fall asleep by themselves and then having the evening for herself. She tried something new and she loved it. Bedtime became something she actually looked forward to!
Are there any routines in your life that could stand to change? What areas of your life would you like to make more enjoyable?
Think outside the box and come up with a new, maybe even unexpected action you can take.
For example: if you’re a multi-tasker, it might be fun for you to try doing one thing at a time instead. Really engaging with what you’re doing. Focus completely on doing the dishes or walking your dog without talking on the phone or listening to music or thinking about what you’ll do next. On the other hand, if you spend most of your alone time quietly, try listening to music while doing the dishes. Many times, doing the unexpected adds fun to your life.
Have a playful attitude, have fun with trying something new.
Bottom Line: Think creatively how to turn a boring task into a fun activity
Ask: What routines in my life could stand to change?
Affirm: Playfully, I try something new and unexpected and I make life more fun.
Different cultures and religions celebrate spring.
In Passover (also called the holiday of Spring), Jews from all over the world clean their houses of all leavened bread and gather around the table for the Seder (which means order) to tell the story of the exodus from Egypt.
Christians remember the day that Jesus rose from the dead by celebrating Easter. Hot-cross buns would be eaten on Good Friday and Easter eggs on Easter Sunday.
In Egypt, Sham el-Nessim marks the beginning of Spring and is celebrated by Egyptians of all religions (the main ones being Christianity and Islam). Families go out for a picnic and eat traditional foods, including colored boiled eggs.
Hindus celebrate Holi, a religious spring festival, by throwing scented powder and perfume on each other.
Though the holidays themselves are different, what is common to all is the ritual repetition. In each culture, the same tradition is repeated every year. Families gather together. Roles might change – young kids collecting Easter eggs grow up to decorate the baskets and give it to their children, teenagers who reluctantly sang traditional songs around the Seder table grow up to encourage their own children to do the same.
Roles change but rituals stay.
Rituals create memories and traditions.
Rituals create meaning and connection.
Last night, I was singing the traditional Passover songs and eating the traditional food with my daughter and my family members in Israel while my husband and my son were doing the same with friends in Atlanta. It made me think about the special connection being created between people all over the world singing the same songs, eating the same food, and probably telling some of the same jokes.
As a Balance Expert, I am always curious to explore different aspects of balance and happiness.
There is so much unpredictability and stress in our daily life that each one of us, no matter our background, is longing for a reason to stop and do something familiar and meaningful, something we do every year. Yes, we might complain about the need to do it. We might feel tired from all the preparations or just not be in the mood. But when we get to the moment where we gather with others to follow the familiar rituals, we feel at peace, we feel at home, we feel connected.
Cherish these moments, Use it as an opportunity to stop, take a deep breath and notice all the gifts you have in your life. Know that you have the freedom to live your life the way you want. But keep the traditions. Repeat the rituals. They add meaning and connection to your life.
Spring is the most hopeful time of the year, a time to share our faith, human connection, traditions and rituals.
Whether you’re a full-time mom or a career woman, you probably strive to create work-life balance. There’s so much to do and we’re always pushing ourselves to work harder. For many women, taking care of themselves is pushed to the end of the list, while other people and work have priority. The result is that every time they take a break or do something fun, they feel guilty.
One of my coaching clients homeschools her kids. She spends most hours of the day with them, every day. She has no reason to feel guilty for taking time off for herself, but she does. We decided to change this. Her commitment this week was to plan an hour every day where her husband would watch the kids while she did something she enjoys by herself.
One day, she watched a movie. Another day, she listened to her favorite inspiring radio show. Another day she took a walk. She had to plan it ahead, to make arrangements with her husband, to explain the new habit to her kids and to choose her activity. She also had to do some internal work of identifying the beliefs and thinking that usually prevent her from doing all of that. She did all of the above – and was very happy with the results.
She was able to slow down, to clear her head and she felt a lot more focused than before. She noticed she had more patience and was nicer to her husband and kids after enjoying time by herself. Her kids actually like the idea of having “me-time” and one of the sons told his brother: “Mom is having mom’s –time, don’t disturb her.”
When you take time to do something for yourself, something that you want to do because you enjoy it, not because you have to, you’ll benefit and so will the people around you.
The Bottom Life: Plan “me time” in advance
Ask: what do I love doing and how would I feel if I had this time for myself?
Affirm: I create “me-time” in my life and I am centered, calm and focused.
