It’s a human nature to judge. We all do it.
We judge others, we judge ourselves.
When we judge and criticize others, we get angry and disappointed with them. When we judge and criticize ourselves, we feel guilty and ashamed.
Often, we blame others for something we struggle with ourselves. For instance, when you are all motivated to exercise and eat healthy you might judge someone who isn’t. You forget that just a few weeks ago, you were struggling just like them. You judge your friend for being too controlling or trying to fix their children or partner. Wasn’t it just last night when you were in somebody’s face trying to tell them how they should be?
When it comes to ourselves, we tend to forget our attributes, successes, achievements and to focus on what we haven’t done, what we could have done better. We judge and criticize ourselves and the result is that we beat ourselves up.
We are out of balance.
What can we do?
Evaluate objectively – instead of judging and criticizing.
It is not going to change the facts but it is defiantly going to change your reaction.
If you step back, get into an observer mode and evaluate the situation (yours or others) objectively, you will not lose your power over what happened. Instead, you will manage your emotions, cope with whatever happened in a balanced way and move forward with your life.
The Bottom line: Judging and criticizing create and spread negativity. Step back, observe and evaluate.
Ask: What might be a reason I (or they) behave like that and how can I be compassionate?
Affirm: I let go of judging and criticizing, I evaluate objectively and I’m free.
Often we have an idea of what our life should look like. Thinking big and having a vision is essential in the process of creating the life you want, yes, but if taken too far, you might end up in a dream world with unrealistic expectations. You also expect others to act according to your plan. But they don’t know that and even if they do – can you really control others? They have their own agenda just like you do. For example, you might expect your partner to behave in a certain way: to always clean after themselves, to smile and hug you, to surprise you, to buy you a big gift for your birthday. They are not perfect. No one is.
You also expect a lot from yourself. Especially if you are an over achiever, like many of us are, you get caught in this “marathon” feeling of moving forward, pushing harder, having more success, producing more. Before you know it, your expectations from yourself are as high as the sky and you end up being disappointed.
Chances are that if you have a tendency to expect the impossible from yourself, you also do it with your partner, your friends, your co-workers and the whole world. You keep being disappointed and frustrated and your life is out of balance.
So how do you regain balance?
You pause and check: is this realistic? How can I phrase it (both in your head and when you’re communicating with others) in a more supportive way? How can I leave a window open to let others be who they are and find their own way?
After you re-set your expectations, make sure you communicate them clearly.
Remember that other people cannot read your mind. (at least most of them…)
While writing this post, I realized that many of my expectations from myself were completely unrealistic for today. My plan was to fit in 3 hours stuff that should take at least 6 hours. Thank you, my dear readers, for being both my students and my teacher…
What do you expect from yourself and others which is unrealistic and how willing are you to change it?
What would 2012 be like for you if you could bring greater balance and peace into your life? Balance doesn’t happen by itself. It requires action, but it doesn’t have to be hard or complicated. Those of you who have worked with me before know that I’m all about baby steps. Start small. Break it down. Make sure what you’re aiming for is realistic. Make it simple.
In this new series, “52 Balance Tips”, I am going to share with you simple ways to create balance in your life. Everything I’ll share with you has been proven successful and has brought balance to people’s life. But here is the key: you have to make it your own. You have to actually do it. Reading is not enough. Get engaged in the process: take notes, journal, adjust it so it fits your needs, share with others, ask me questions and most importantly, make it fun.
Are you excited? I am too. So let’s start.
My first tip is – start a new chapter, and write it yourself.
Imagine that you could leave your past behind. That you could stop labeling the past as “good” or “bad”, trusting that any past experiences that might benefit you now are already part of your being, part of your “wisdom data”. Imagine yourself writing a book. The book of your life. You are done writing a chapter; your turn the page over and you start a new one. You are writing your book. It is your own creation, so you can create whatever you want. You don’t expect others to write your new chapter for you. You don’t blame life for forcing you to write the new chapter. You enjoy the freedom of writing it yourself.
Your Balance Action:
Start your day with turning the page and starting a new chapter.
Close your eyes take a deep breath and ask yourself “what would I write in my new chapter today”?
Pick up your journal, write “Today’s Chapter” and write down how you’re taking charge of the day, and writing your own book.
Inspire me and others: what did you write? Share with us.
What I learned in 2011, and what it has to do with you
The New Year “buzz” is already here, but before I get into the excitement and promises of the New Year, I took some time this week to reflect. Every morning I wrote 3 pages in my journal, allowing all the “stuff” to come up with no special structure. What a rolle rcoaster this year has been! And although I enjoyed the ride, there were up moments and down moments.
On a personal level, my daughter who is 18 left home and moved away. My son, who is 22, came back home after graduating from college. Big adjustment for all of us. One of the hardest lessons for parents. We moved to a new house. My dad’s Alzheimer got worst. Lots of transitions and change which brought up some joy as well as fear, sadness and doubt. My family needed a lot of my attention this year. I had to switch between the “mom hat” and the “daughter hat” often, while seeking balance between my personal and professional life. Looking back, 3 things kept me going and growing:
- Being willing to get honest about what’s really going on in my head & heart, what thoughts, beliefs and emotions drive me and having the courage to take control over them.
- Asking for support – I have worked with a coach, joined a support group, shared with my husband and with friends, and got centered every morning for a spiritual support as well. I have learned to ask for support and to accept support.
- Living my passion and doing service for others was a big one for me this year. My natural tendency is to put life on hold when something is going on either with my dad or with my children. So many of you kept holding a mirror in front of my face, reminding me to take care of myself no matter what is going on around me.
You, my dear students, clients and friends, provided me with the opportunity to care from my heart, to serve you from a place of passion, and for that, I am so grateful to you all. One of my clients, Colleen, ended her email recently with “I wish you all the best in your practice! You are changing lives, Michal! Keep it up!” Just a few words but what an amazing encouragement. Doing something I love and watching how it changes your lives for the better keeps me going.
So what does it all have to do with you?
I invite you to learn from my experience and make a change in your life.
Get honest and be willing to change your thoughts and beliefs. Ask for support. Share from your heart. Live your passion and allow others to hold a mirror in front of your face.
Let me help you, just like I allowed others to help me.
The new programs I developed for 2012 come from a lifetime as a balance seeker and all the lessons I have learned from you. Although this is still a business and I try to sell and promote these programs, they are a pure reflection of my journey and truly bring balance and joy to people’s lives. They bring results.
So don’t stop reading here. Spend a few minutes and check out the opportunities for growth I’m offering in 2012:
- Watch this result-driven video and take the Balance-Index Assessment. Taking this assessment myself was the beginning of my new life. It can happen to you too.
- If you are a woman in any stage of Empty Nest, join me and Dr. Anne Namnoum for the first meeting of the Atlanta “Empty Nest, Full Life” community on January 19th. If you can’t join us but would like to be part of our community, please email me.
- If you live in the Atlanta area, join me this coming Thursday, 1/5/2012 for my inspiring talk “Overstressed or balanced? The Choice is truly Yours!” at the Life Dance Wellness Center in Covington, Georgia.
- Get on my VIP List and be the first to get the information about my newest “Stop Being Overwhelmed with Responsibilities and start feeling Happy and Fulfilled” online program which starts on January 23rd. (You can do it from anywhere).The details of this program are still a secret, but if you email me and get on my VIP list you will be first to get the information. I expect a huge turn-out to this program and space is limited. Email me now.
Again – I am here to help you.
I have learned so much from you and from my personal journey and I have used all my experience, creativity and talent to develop these programs.
Thank you for being part of my ride in 2011 and let’s have an amazing ride together in 2012.
Cheers!
Michal
P.S. Make a difference in somebody else’s life and forward this to them.
Twelve-year-old CeeCee Honeycutt is in trouble. For years, she has been the caretaker of her psychotic mother, Camille-the tiara-toting, lipstick-smeared laughingstock of an entire town-a woman trapped in her long-ago moment of glory as the 1951 Vidalia Onion Queen. But when Camille is hit by a truck and killed, CeeCee is left to fend for herself. To the rescue comes her previously unknown great-aunt, Tootie Caldwell.
In her vintage Packard convertible, Tootie whisks CeeCee away to Savannah’s perfumed world of prosperity and Southern eccentricity, a world that seems to be run entirely by women.
This book is full of feminine spirit and women’s wisdom.
CeeCee’s view of the world has touched me deeply on many levels.
I found myself laughing and crying at the same time, inspired by its wisdom.
Here are some inspirations from the book:
Mrs. Odell, CeeCee’s dear friend tells her: “When a chapter of your Life Book is complete, your spirit knows it’s time to turn the page so a new chapter can begin. Even when you’re scared or think you’re not ready, your spirit knows you are.” (Page 41)
Aunt Tootie admits that saving old houses is her “fire”. “Everyone needs to find the one thing that brings out their passion” she says. “Life will offer us amazing opportunities, but we’ve got to be wide-awake to recognize them.” (Page 101)
Later in the book, Aunt Tootie tells CeeCee: “It’s what we believe about ourselves that determines how others see us. Once you set your mind to it, it is easy.” (Page 249)
And my favorite phrase from the end of the book: “it’s how we survive the hurts in life that brings us strength and gives us our beauty.” (Page 302)
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Affirmation: I free my mind of past and future and I live in the moment.
“With the Past as past, I have nothing to do; nor with the Future as future. I live now and will verify all past history in my own moments.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
Living in the moment means you are aware & present with all your senses. You are aware of sounds, colors, feelings & taste. When your mind wanders instead of being fully engaged with what’s happening right now, you’re losing focus and energy to the past (history) and future (mystery).
Here are some simple “live in the moment” habits:
- Eat Mindfully – set the table, sit down and eat, focusing on the look, feel and taste of the food. No TV, no magazines. Just eat (slowly).
- Do one thing at a time. When you wash the dishes, wash the dishes. When you exercise, exercise. When you play with your kid or your pet – just play. Don’t multitask.
- Slow down. Walk slower. Talk slower. Read slower.
- “PBS” as many times as you can throughout the day: Pause, Breathe & Smile.
Live a moment at a time.
Enjoy the contentment that comes from doing so.
This week, every morning when you wake up, read, write and say the affirmation: “I free my mind of past and future and I live in the moment.” Choose one practice from the above list each day. At the end of the week, decide which practice you would like to turn into a habit.
Enjoy!
The last week of the year is the perfect time for a yearly reflection: looking back at your successes, your failures, and what you can learn that will help you grow and improve.
Why reflect?
- It helps you to keep things in proportion, especially if you tend to get caught in the story or the drama of life. When we step back and observe our lives objectively from a distance, it is easier to see the facts and release the emotional attachments.
- Instead of repeating our mistakes, we can learn from them and make changes. When you reflect on the past, you become clear what you can do differently in the future.
- Accessing your wisdom and creativity by reflecting on the past year, you end up coming up with new insights and new ideas.
- The end of the year is the perfect time to celebrate your achievements, successes and accomplishments. Reflecting helps you remember them.
What to reflect on?
You want to reflect but you don’t know where to start. That’s very normal. Break it down and reflect on each on of the following areas:
- Career/Profession
- Family/Parenting
- Personal Development
- Spiritual Awareness
- Fun & Enjoyment
- Intimate Relationships/Social Relationships
- Health/Aging
- Personal Finance
How to reflect?
Choose your favorite Reflection Method – or have fun trying them all.
Morning Pages
Every morning for a week or two, write in your journal three pages titled: “2011”. Write anything that comes up: positive memories, negative ones, funny stuff, events, and people you have met and liked, people you don’t like, things that makes you laugh, things that makes you cry. Can’t think of anything? Write: “I don’t know what to write about 2011” and go from there. Just write whatever comes up, without censoring yourself. 3 pages. Every day. You’ll be surprised how much “good stuff” will come up to the surface.
Gratitude List
Every evening, write a list of “Things I’m grateful for in 2011”. Don’t over think it. Write down whatever comes up even if it doesn’t make sense.
End of Year Reflection Questions
Read each one of the following questions. Connect to your heart, take a moment get centered, and write down the answer.
- What made me happy this year?
- What made me disappointed?
- Where was I successful?
- What were my top three challenges/lessons?
- Which challenge was my biggest gift and why?
- How did I grow & improve, compared to the previous year?
- Who is the person I have learned the most from?
- For what am I grateful?
- What if the funniest memory from this year?
- On a scale of 1-10 (1 being “I wish it were different” 10 being “SO satisfied”), how satisfied I am in each of these areas:
- Career/Profession
- Family/parenting
- Personal Development
- Spiritual Awareness
- Fun & Enjoyment
- Intimate Relationships/Social Relationships
- Health/Aging
- Personal Finance
In order to embrace the new, we must release the old.
An important part of preparing for the New Year is to review the past year.
Have fun with the process and please write in the comment area and share the most surprising fact that came up for you.
Happy Reflection!
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Affirmation: I declutter my space, my heart and my mind and I am ready for a fresh start.
We all collect and hold on to physical, mental and emotional “stuff” which creates clutter in our lives.
Look around you. What belongings, clothes, furniture & accessories that you don’t really need are you willing to get rid of to create some free space? Donating some of your belongings will create abundance in someone else’s life.
What emotional hang ups that don’t serve you anymore are you holding on to?
Are you angry at “him” or “her” for saying something that hurt your feelings? They probably didn’t even mean it and already forgot about it, but you still carry the memory in your heart. Let it go!
And how about your thoughts and beliefs? Which ones create clutter in your mind?
I will share one of mine in the comment area and I invite you to do the same. You will feel so much better after sharing and committing to get rid of your unnecessary “stuff”.
Can’t wait to hear from you!
Let’s say you come home from work one day, and your spouse barely nods hello, and then goes into his office and closes the door. If you think that your spouse acted that way because he is angry with you, you might spend your evening wondering what you did to get him mad, and you might be hesitant to approach him with the great idea you’d come up with about a planning a future vacation.
When you interpret something, you create an opinion about an event, situation, or experience. In essence, you create an explanation and then look for evidence to support its validity. When you make an interpretation, you don’t even see that other explanations exist. In actuality, though, an interpretation often represents only one viewpoint among the many that are possible.
Your interpretations hold a strong energetic charge, which affects your emotions and actions. If you believe your viewpoint of a particular situation is the only explanation, you might not be aware of another point of view. You may end up wasting a lot of time and resources marching off in the wrong direction. Because you don’t see that other possibilities exist, you remain stuck in your story, and feel like you have no control over the outcome.
Interpretations are personal and are somewhat difficult to let go of and challenge. Holding onto them may seem like the easy way out, as facing them may move you into uncharted territory. However, challenging your interpretations opens you up to a world of possibilities, literally.
Typical interpretations may sound like this:
He doesn’t like me.
She thinks I’m incompetent.
They don’t want to follow orders.
My son is just not interested in doing his homework.
Interpretations can be directly challenged by asking: “What’s another way to look at that?” Just realizing that there are other ways to look at something lessens the power of your interpretation. One way to do this is to imagine what another individual’s perspective of the situation might be. Asking for someone else’s point of view on a difficult situation (even if they are not directly involved) can break existing paradigms and open pathways for more successful solutions. Challenging yourself or others to argue the point of view directly opposite your interpretation also works remarkably well to arrive at new information, new angles, and new paths to success.
In the example of your spouse above, perhaps the reason why he barely acknowledged you was that he just received a disturbing phone call work related, or he had a deadline that had to be met – or…….well, there are many possible explanations. What an opportunity you’d miss if you decided not to present your great idea based on your false interpretation.
This month, before you “jump to conclusions” and believe the first story that comes to mind, consider other possibilities that could lead you to new, empowering choices and actions.
Please share: what are some interpretations you make ?
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Affirmation: I don’t take things personally. I remind myself that it’s not about me and I detach and protect my energy.
Things happen and we create a story in our head. Part of the story is true and other parts are made up based on past assumptions, experiences and fears. The result is that we take things personally. Your husband was late coming home from work because of a meeting, and you think he doesn’t love you. Your co-worker didn’t have lunch with you because a of previous commitment and you think you’re not good enough. Your father blames you for not visiting him enough and you take the guilt on.
When you suspect that you’re too invested in a situation, stick to the facts. Clean “your side of the street”, and then let go. It’s not about you!
Stick to the facts and evaluate the situation in a detached, objective and professional way.
Protect your energy by detaching.
This week remember not to take anything personally. You cannot control other people and their opinions, but you can control your own actions and options.
What are you taking personally today and how willing are you to stop?
“When our relatives are at home, we have to think of all their good points or it would be impossible to endure them.”
~George Bernard Shaw
If you have the perfect relationship with your parents, a beautiful bond with your in-laws, if you enjoy every moment you spend with your extended family around the holiday-season – this blog is not for you. Actually if that’s you, please skip to the comment area at the bottom and share your secret with us.
Since you’re still reading, chances are that you, like many other people, experience some tension and discomfort during all the time spent with family members during this time.
Here are the best tips I could gather from my clients’ experiences throughout the years:
1. Use “I” statements instead of “You” statements.
Let’s say that your mother-in-law gets a great sense of satisfaction from cutting you off every time you open your mouth to say something, especially if you look mad when she pushes your buttons.
Communicate your message clearly, using one “I” sentence (“I would love to tell my story without interruptions”). Don’t point a finger or say “You always stop me when I say something!” Using the “I” statement will give you back the power that you might have lost to her.
2. Use facts instead of judgments.
We always have history with our family. You might have a tendency to makes assumptions based on previous experiences (and traumas) and you might be invested emotionally in the situation.
Detach!
Stick to the facts!
Instead of thinking “who does she think she is, telling me that my kids have to go to bed earlier” think: “That’s what she says. Maybe she’s right, maybe she’s wrong. Let me think about the facts. I have the freedom to accept what she says, or not.”
3. Control your attitude.
Remember: you cannot control other people’s attitude but you can control your own. Ask yourself: if she was my best friend (and not my aunt), how would I be loving and kind towards her? Be kind and loving. Forgive. Have a positive attitude. Not because she is nice to you, but because you don’t want to give her so much power and to let her ruin your holiday. Be what you want to attract towards yourself. You want love and kindness? Be loving and kind.
4. Take time for yourself NO MATTER WHAT.
Even if your house is full of people and you feel responsible for entertaining them, you have to set your boundaries and create time for self care.
5. Do what you WANT and not what you’re EXPECTED to do (At least once a day ).
6. Play the following game with yourself: for each family member, ask yourself the question – what is she/he here to teach me?
What’s her/his gift? All relationships allow us to learn more about who we are. If we look at others as gifts being offered to us, we might choose to see them as partners on our journey.
My final tip is: sing the song “I will survive”, have lots of smiles and laughs. You need your sense of humor!
What’s your favorite tip? Please share!
A few weeks ago I had the honor of attending a presentation by Barbara McAfee, a professional singer/songwriter, speaker, coach and consultant. This week, I’m recommending her book in my “Book of the Month” column but I’d also like to recommend attending one of her workshops, getting her CDs, or watching some videos on her website.
Barbara connects with the audience in a very heart-centered, personal, fun (and funny) way. She looks so comfortable and at ease when she plays the piano, sings her songs and tells her story. It felt to me like she was born to sing and to speak but she shared how she always struggled with it and how she has transitioned from a place of chronic vocal problems and insecurity to a place of conducting leaderships workshops, producing 6 CDs and passionately sharing her voice with the world. She helps many people to transform and heal their lives by finding their voice. To her, “finding a new voice means stepping outside of who you think you are, to expand your identity to include parts of yourself you may have left behind.”
I left her presentation full of joy and uplifted, and it only increased when I got to my car and put on her CD, “YES”. I was touched so deeply by her music, by her words and by her voice. I’m still addicted to this CD, and I asked her for permission to share my favorite song with you.
Before I let you listen to this powerful song, I would like to share with you something Barbara told me on the phone today. This song “landed in her hand” one day when she was taking a nap. The first verse emerged while she was napping and the next two verses came in a dream the next night. When you watch the video, you can see her rowing in a transparent canoe over the Mississippi River in her native city – Minneapolis.
Thank you, Barbara, for making a difference in the world.
Here is Barbara’s YES video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqexOh9I4Z0
“The voice emerges from the mysterious intersection of your body, mind, emotions, and spirit. For anything to get created, it must make the treacherous journey from the world of imagination to the physical world.
Your voice is the primary vehicle for making that journey.
If your “vehicle” breaks down on the way from the inside out, your gifts will remain locked inside you. If what you are saying is at odds with how you are saying it, your listeners may miss your message altogether. And without a connection with other human beings, your work can’t come alive in the world.”
This book is a practical guide to sharing your voice with the world. McAfee identifies five distinct vocal sounds – earth, fire, water, metal and air. By recognizing and accessing these different vibrations, one can become a better communicator.
I recently attended a presentation by the author where I learned about speaking utilizing the different elements. It was very inspiring and uplifting to be able to choose where to voice myself from.
This book is not only about voicing yourself… It is about being alive.
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Affirmation: I allow myself time to rest, reflect, and rejuvenate.
As we transition from Thanksgiving to Christmas and Hanukah, from November to December, we tend to be more sentimental or maybe even melancholy. Many people are experiencing low energy levels or passiveness. Spending more time than usual with family members around the holidays brings joy and a feeling of togetherness, but it can also be difficult and create a feeling of heaviness.
Past memories may be coming up to create a smile but also some tears.
If you feel stuck, stop beating yourself up for not being more active.
December is the last month of the year.
It is a perfect time to summarize, to reflect. Time to rest and prepare for the New Year.
January is a lot more energetic and there is a collective “new beginning” energy in the air.
Allow the month of December to be what it is – the last month of the year.
Allow yourself to enjoy the holiday-season and don’t beat yourself up if you’re not as active.
Tell yourself that it is a natural process of ending one year and starting another one.
What is your most important intention for December?
Every once in a while I have to remind myself that superheroes exist only in the movies, but in real life you are paying a huge price for trying to be one.
I used to suffer from the “Superwoman Syndrome”, and I still do sometimes.
- Do you ever push yourself too much?
- Are you the “Master of Multitasking”?
- Do you feel that you can do everything and that you should always be the best wife, mother, daughter, friend and professional?
If you answered yes to these questions, you might suffer from the “Superwoman Syndrome”.
The topic itself was first presented in 1984 by Marjorie Hansen Shaevitz. Her book The Superwoman Syndrome (for women trying to do it all—how to decide what’s important in your life and do it well), made headlines and increased awareness of the high cost to one’s life of this syndrome. It gave superwoman a label for their exhaustion but whether they used it as a drive to take personal control of their run-away lives is really up to them.
I am grateful for having enough tools in my “toolbox” to use when I feel that I am moving towards my old “Superwoman Syndrome”.
I would love to share my tools with you.
Join me tomorrow, Monday 11/28/2011 or Tuesday 11/29/2011
for my FREE “TIME FOR BALANCE” call.
During the call, I will show you how to take off the superwoman mask and become happier and healthier.
Register here: http://www.balancedmoments.com/time-for-balance/
If you have any insight about this topic, please share in the comment area and help other women!
